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The iPod turned 5-years-old yesterday. What the hell am I still doing with this ancient, heavy as a brick, second generation, prehistoric iPod (circa 2001)? I’m kicking it old school… that’s what!

I saw a t-shirt somewhere that said, “I had an iPod before you even knew what one was.” Man, that totally rings true. I can still remember five years ago when I would whip out my iPod and people were like, “Dude, what the hell is that thing?” At the time, it was pretty sexy and induced quite a few jealous stares from my gadget-obsessed, albeit uniformed peers. Yeah, I was the coolest kid on the block. Interestingly, when I whip out my iPod nowadays, I get the same, “Dude, what the hell is that thing?” But instead of my peers drooling lustfully and implying awe with their remark, they scoff at my ancient relic and comment, hurtfully, at the lack of a color display. All this, while they pull out their brand new video iPods and play some hot new movie that they torrented and transfered onto that slick device. God, I just hate them all! I hate them so much. And I hate that smug look of satisfaction on their conniving little faces too.

Right. So anyway, happy belated birthday, old friend. Hopefully you’ll die soon so that I can replace you with something younger and prettier.

…is kicking my ass.

Yesterday, during dinner, between bites of deep fried mac & cheese balls, while talking about personal showering habits, Carla, a first semester UCONN medical student, said, “I’m playing with dead people all day long… I need to shower.”

One day, I hope to legitimately be able say, “I’m playing with dead people all day long.” It’s a life goal of mine, and one that is more easily attainable than, say, piloting a gold-plated, diamond-encrusted, battle-droid, which happens to be somewhat of a less easily attainable life goal (for me anyway).

(As a point of interest, including this “point of interest” and the title, there are 23 commas in this post, but only 6 sentences… sorry, I didn’t get much sleep last night, and the coffee, it just ain’t working yet. Maybe it’s time I made the switch to something a bit more potent, like Cocaine.)

Children scare the living bejesus out of me. Why? Well, just look at them! They’re like needy, disproportional, mini-adults… with missing teeth, leaking noses, and an underdeveloped intellect. Actually, they more closely resemble monkeys. The only difference is that, in a few million years, monkeys will have had the opportunity to evolve into a more highly sophisticated mammal, while children… well, they’ll still be creepy and gross.

Yes, my logic is truly flawless! (and dizzying)

And so, on this very special Friday the Thirteenth, I’d like to pay homage to children and their overwhelming creepiness by looking at this phenomenal gallery of zombie youth devouring human flesh.

Oh… and a Happy Birthday Shout Out to Jason Voorhees! May this year bring you much blood, carnage, and skinny-dipping teenagers.

My coworkers know me well. Too well. This was fastened to the bulletin board (not bulletin board, as in BBS… bulletin board in the traditional sense. You know, cork and thumbtacks. Geez, you are one old school nerd…) when I got into work today.

Thanks y’all!

Google bought YouTube for something like 1.6 billion dollars today. That’s a lot of coffee, burritos, and MacBooks. Very impressive, but I really don’t care. Honestly, that sum is so incomprehensible that it doesn’t even register as extrordinary. Luckily, that’s not what this post is about. It’s not about unfathomable sums of money being passed from one corporation to another, it’s not about the fact that 1.6 billion dollars could probably feed a lot of hungry people, it’s not about the rich getting richer, nor is it about an ungrateful grad student whining about his dwindling assets. Nope. None of the above. This post is about my monumental inadequacy as a self-professed, top shelf, numero uno, high quality blogger. (Bear with me… I’ll pull it all together. I promise)

As an illustration of my deficiency, and as an attempt to add some all-too-revealing perspective, I offer you the following, quoted from Gizmodo writer, Jason Chen:

“We hope that both Google Video and YouTube’s quality both increase, rather than go to Shitsville, as is so often the case when the number one and number two merge. It’s never pretty whenever we make a number one and a number two together.”

That is f-ing brilliant. “It’s never pretty whenever we make a number one and a number two together.” It’s witty, relevant, and lowbrow. My friends, the magnificence displayed above is the mark of a quality blogger: The innate ability to be insightful, yet intellectually undemanding. The dexterity to provide shrewd commentary but still maintain accessibility to that bottom-of-the-barrel intellect. Here at sam bot dot com, I understand the concept of writing for the lowest common denominator… hell, I am the lowest common denominator. But, it’s that lowest-totem-on-the-pole sensibility that we bloggers often abandon in way of a more sophisticated level of humor. Thank you, Jason Chen, for being humble. Thank you for lighting the path to true blog professionalism and showing us the importance of keeping things confined to that lowest rung. But, most importantly, thank you for keeping it real.

Part 2 of 2 of sam bot dot com’s October 5th, What’s-on-my-mind?-Not-a-whole-hell-of-a-lot series (part 1?)

It occurred to me the other day, while at work, which is where I do my most profound thinking, that I really really really miss my Snoopy Sno-cone Machine. That thing was hot!.. er, cold. And it was such an empowering device to give to a child. “You mean I can make my very own sno-cones!? There truly is a god… and his name is Snoopy.” The greatest part was squeezing the Kool-Aid-like syrup out of the tip of Snoopy’s Devo hat…

Squeezing the Kool-Aid-like syrup out of the tip of Snoopy’s Devo hat? This post is officially over.

(But before I go, one final thought: Imagine all the debaucherous things one could do with a Snoopy Sno-cone Machine as an adult. Snoopy is no longer restricted by his PG-13 shackles. Nope. Let’s fill Snoopy with Jagermeister. It’s Snoopy-meister time!)

Part 1 of 2 of sam bot dot com’s October 5th, What’s-on-my-mind?-Not-a-whole-hell-of-a-lot series (part 2?)

Look, some people are just averse to certain words. It’s a fact of humanity and a sad, but undeniable truth. I know a girl (oh, you know who you are) who cringes at the mere mention of the word “lotion.” She hates it. It makes her react violently (and I’ve felt the full brunt of that violence). “Ointment” too. And the word “paste,” I think. Actually, anything that is likely to be distributed in tube form. It’s bizarre, but it’s the truth. And it’s okay. Because today, I discovered, to my great annoyance, that I too have an extreme aversion to a word. Blech! It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. But I guess if I expect this post to go anywhere, I’m going to have to write it down. Ugh. Ready? Here it comes:

dongle

Icky! Gross! Puke! Geez… that’s a disgusting word. I hate it! Let’s never speak of it again. Think happy thoughts… coffee, donuts, beer, a new MacBook… Okay. Better.

I’d like to preface this post by mentioning that I actually constructed and photographed the following project about six months ago… before the addition of the MacBook, and the removal of the 12″ Power/iBooks, from Apple’s line of laptops. At the time of creation, the 12″ ‘Book was still available and it was the littlest laptop that Apple had to offer. Anyway, I am just now getting around to writing this tutorial. Yep, I’m just that efficient. Enjoy.

I’m not exactly sure how I discovered this. I mean, we all know that I love my PowerBook to a frighteningly abnormal extent. But even considering my unhealthy obsession, this discovery is a bit weird: My 12″ PowerBook… my 2-year-old, aluminum wrapped bundle of joy… fits perfectly down my pant leg. I’ll just let that sink in for a while.

Right… somehow I discovered that my 12″ PowerBook, when inserted lengthwise, fits snugly in the cuff of a regular pair of corduroys. And with this newfound slice of knowledge, the obvious thing to do is to make a stylish, one-of-a-kind, laptop sleeve out of a pair of pants! Yes!

Fortunately, I’m accident prone. No, that’s an understatement. I’m an accident magnet. An electromagnet. One of those huge crane operated ones that picks up junky cars and dumps them into that massive car smoosher. Yeah, that’s me. I’m that magnet. And those junky cars are accidents. Accidents flock to me like bees to honey… like goth kids to the mall…

And so, considering my accident pronedness, it should be no surprise to anyone that I stained some corduroys. These cords (nothing impressive, I should add. Old Navy, sporting a standard 20 inch cuff) fell victim to an unfortunate episode of ink stainage. Conveniently, I hadn’t thrown them away (I don’t throw anything away. Nope. Instead, I make piles. Lots and lots of piles. I told you that I was efficient). So, when I discovered that my PowerBook fits neatly in the cuff of my replacement pants, I pulled the soiled garment from the appropriate pile and began on an irrecuperable quest of DIY self-discovery.

Feel free to follow along at home as I take you from soiled pants to stylish laptop sleeve in just 12 easy steps.

NOTE: My PowerBook clocks in at a height of 1.18 inches, and a depth of 8.6 inches. The new MacBook has a height of 1.08 inches and a depth of 8.92 inches. Let’s math that out: The internal perimeter of the sleeve opening for the PowerBook needs to be 19.56 inches. The MacBook would require 19.856 inches. The difference is 0.296 inches… hardly worth mentioning… but I did anyway. My presumption is that this design will work with both the 12″ ‘Books and the MacBooks too. Simply increase the length of the sleeve and you should be okay. But I can’t know for sure. Hmm… maybe I should write a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: If this project doesn’t work for your MacBook, and you waste valuable time and pants, I can’t be held responsible. Sew at your own risk. Additionally, if anything else goes wrong… you sew your fingers together, your ‘Book explodes, etc… it ain’t my problem. And now, having said that, let’s get this party started.

sam bot dot com’s DIY Project Tutorial Number Two (there was a tutorial number one?)

Step 1 – Materials
Buy pants.

Step 2 – Preparing the Materials
Stain the pants.

Step 3 – Mental Preparation
Curse the heavens.

Step 4 – Cut the Liner Material
Okay. Let’s really get this tutorial started. First, we’re going to make the liner. I used an old sweatshirt (also stained) for the liner. It’s soft, stretchy, and protective (just like my women), but feel free to use any other similarly featured material that you’d like. Cut out a large rectangular area… something like 22 x 24 inches (use more material for the MacBook)… large enough so you can wrap the entire ‘Book in the liner material with a couple of inches to spare.

Step 5 – Hem the Liner Edge
Fold over about an inch of the liner material on the 22 inch side (fold so the smooth side will be touching your ‘Book). You can safety pin / binder clip / iron the fold to keep it in place. I used safety pins here (this was before I recognized the majesty of sewing with binder clips). Sew the edge and trim off the excess.

Step 6 – Sew the Internal Side Edge
Place your ‘Book on the material with the short end against the hem. Fold the material around the ‘Book so that it’s hugging it as it would when it’s in the sleeve. Pinch the top closed with a binder clip and clip on a ruler (or any other straight edge) to use as a guide. Remove the ‘Book without moving the guide. Sew along the guide and trim the excess.

Step 7 – Sew the Internal Bottom Edge
Slide the ‘Book in again. Position it so that it sits right where it would when the laptop sleeve is finished (or maybe just slightly beneath that). Pinch the material at the bottom and clip on that guide again. Remove the ‘Book and sew baby, sew! Then, trim baby, trim!

Step 8 – Intermission and Refueling
Test out the liner by sliding the ‘Book in. Does it fit? If so, go pour yourself a beer… you’ve done very well so far and you deserve it! If it doesn’t fit… see Step 3.

Step 9 – Everything Else
Now it’s time to begin assembling the external portion (the part that’s made out of pants). Turn the pants inside out and cut off the leg (make sure you leave a couple of inches more than you need… just in case). Slide the ‘Book in through the pant cuff. Line up the edge of the ‘Book with the edge of the cuff (you might want to recess it about .25 to .5 inches or so… just to give yourself a little buffer when the sleeve is completed). At this point, I think you know the drill: binder clip the guide ruler on, sew, and trim the excess.

Step 10 – Final Assembly
You’re so close to completion. Can you taste it? Can you taste the… umm… completion? Anyway, turn the outer portion right side right, drop in the liner, and binder clip it into place. Now, sew the liner to the outer piece at about .25 inches below the rim of the sleeve. A word of caution at this point: there is A LOT of fabric for the needle to get through. Make sure your machine can handle it. I’ve got a no frills sewing machine and it did fine. I just had to wrestle with it a bit to get all of the material under the presser foot. So, go slowly. Or maybe go quickly. Build up momentum? I don’t really know what I’m talking about. I just don’t want the machine to blow up in your face, throwing needle and soiled pant shrapnel everywhere. I guess you need to do what you need to do. And besides, I wrote a disclaimer, so I’m in the clear.

Step 11 – Pray
This is it. The moment of truth. Slide your ‘Book in the sleeve and observe the results.

Step 12 – Victory Dance!
Does it fit? Is it snazzy? Yea! It’s victory dance time! You might want to take the ‘Book out of its cozy new home and put the sleeve on your head whilst you dance… you know, just to complete the effect.

And there you have it: A DIY protective ‘Book sleeve in just 12 easy steps. Geez… is there anything that can’t be broken down into just 12 easy steps. I say, “if it can’t be compressed into 12 easy steps, it’s not worth doing.”

UPDATE: I’ll eventually start a flickr photo pool to showcase the finished products of those adventurous souls who attempt this tutorial. Keep me posted of the results (in the comments). And of course, feel free to make modifications/improvements as necessary. Good luck and godspeed.

I’m trying. I really am. I’m trying to do this blog thing the right way this time around. I’m going to post regularly, I’m going to post often, and I’m going to post about important things… like social injustice, corporate greed, and the latest Apple products. And of course, I’m going to do it all while highly caffeinated. Hooray! But I’m also going to do the RSS thing right. And that that means shifting the feed over to FeedBurner.

What is FeedBurner? Well (from their site), “FeedBurner is the world’s largest feed management provider. Our Web-based services help bloggers, podcasters and commercial publishers promote, deliver and profit from their content on the Web.”

Why do you care? Well honestly, you probably don’t. But I do. And what this means for me is simply the ability to acquire an accurate sense of who’s reading this blog anyway. And that’s important because… umm… well, I like to keep tabs on the three of you.

So, if you would be so kind as to switch your subscription* over to the new feed, I’d be eternally grateful. The new feed can be found here:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/sambot

Thanks guys! I love you!

*What!? You aren’t a subscriber to the sam bot dot com RSS feed? Well, consider this your personal invitation. What!? You don’t know how to subscribe? Here’s a review of some of the best web-based news aggregators out there to help you on your way. I’d recommend checking out Bloglines.