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Ummm… Apple? Yeah. Hi guys. It’s me, Sam. Ummm… nice socks.

Ok. Really. What are you guys thinking? The iPod Sock? I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Apple, you are my absolute favorite computer/consumer electronics manufacturer. Your design team deserves many, many high fives. The new iMac? That shit is the bomb, yo! The Power Mac G5? Boy howdy! The 12″ PowerBook? Oh my god, yes! The iPod Sock? Errr… well… no. Not even maybe.

It doesn’t even look like the Socks would make good puppets. When I buy socks, that’s my first consideration.

I’ve been trying to avoid this, but you know you all saw it coming:

The iPod Sock? I think you mean the iPod Suck! Yee-Haw!

Ouch.

I saw two movies over the weekend. One was truly incredible (hint hint), and the other was… um, not. Let’s talk about the less than incredible film first. It was called Amid the Dead (you can actually download the entire film here).

Amid the Dead has been officially described as “A Swarthmore College student film that melds the genres of the apocalyptic zombie movie and the introspective existentialist self-analysis.” Student film? Yes indeed. This movie has misguided film student written all over it. Apocalyptic zombie movie? Sure, why not? Although, I do have to say, this is one of the more boring apocalypses that I have ever observed (and let me tell you, I’ve been privy to my fair share of apocalypses). Ok, so it had zombies… but I saw no decaying metropolis, no overturned cars, hardly any fire… I mean, there was really only about a dozen zombies total. A dozen zombies does not make an apocalypse. And finally, introspective existentialist self-analysis? You know what? I’m not even going to touch this one.

The film opens with the unmistakable sounds of human birthing. A woman is being frantically wheeled through a hospital (as the lights flicker on and off… you know, to enhance the apocalyptic mood). So far so good. As the doctors prepare for the birth, we get a taste of some of the brilliant dialog that awaits us. “I don’t like what’s going on out there, and I don’t understand it. This child may live only to witness the end of civilization as you and I know it. Even so, it’s our duty to wrench him, kicking and screaming, into what’s left.” Zombies invade the room and eat Doctor 1, Doctor 2, and Mom. But interestingly enough, not before she gives birth to a bouncing baby boy. Fade to black, cut to 18 years later. That bouncing baby boy is now a strapping young man… confused, annoyed, shrouded in darkness, hanging out at the local tennis courts, writing in his journal, and full of angst (weren’t we all at that age though?).

Questions you should ask yourself at this point:

1) How did he survive 18 years?

2) Was he raised by zombies?

3) Do zombies have the necessary parenting skills required to raise a non-zombie youth in this ever changing and constantly more difficult apocalyptic day and age?

4) How did he learn to read and write?

5) Where did he get those cool black pants?

The movie progresses and we learn more about our happy protagonist: He dines regularly with his zombie family. “After all,” he tells us, “I am hungry.” We also discover his unhealthy and mildly disturbing romance with a local zombie girl. In an attempt to win her over, our hero pulls her arm out of her socket. It’s ok though, she apparently has the ability to regenerate the limb, as she appears with both arms in a later scene.

I don’t want to give away too much more. I’ll stop here. There is so much more to discover on your own.

The film clocks in at just under 30 minutes. If you have that kind of time to kill, and if you heart zombies as much as I do, give this student film a once over. While it’s not a good movie (not even entertaining really), it is a zombie movie. And zombies have given so much to our society… don’t you think it’s time to give a little something back? The least we could do is give them the attention they deserve.

One final note about the zombies themselves: They are the most heartwarming and thoughtful zombies that I have ever experienced. On two separate occasions in this film, the zombies, huddled over their food (a.k.a. a corpse), offered our hero a handful of fresh guts. As if to say, “Come join your family at the dinner table. We would greatly enjoy your company as we partake in this plentiful bounty.” See, now this just destroys every zombie stereotype I’ve ever had. Zombies do care. They are not the heartless, skin eating jerks that the media would have you believe. Thank you, Amid the Dead, for opening our eyes to our own disgusting prejudices.

Oh… the other movie I saw this weekend. Right. It was The Incredibles. It was great. Go see it.

It occurred to me that I hadn’t posted any photos from Halloween. I guess it’s a little too late and a little too boring to post every photo that was taken.

Since I did go out of my way to explain my elaborate axe murderer costume, I feel as though I should post at least one pic. So, here it is.

It got mixed reactions.

I’ve declared today to be the National Day of Mourning. America, it’s time to begin the healing process.

Take the day off. Let your brain recoup. I know I am.

See you tomorrow!

Today is a dark day for America. I just don’t get it. Living here in Massachusetts (especially Northampton) makes it hard to believe that this is the outcome. George W. Bush is going to be the President of the United States of America for the next four years. My hands are shaking. My mouth is dry. I’m really scared.

My only hope is that the majority of America is smarter than I am. I sincerely hope that the majority voice of this country (of which I am not a part), chose wisely, accurately, and with foresight. I hope that the majority voice understands things at a level that I do not… because it is clear to me that this choice is not the right one. Apparently however, I’ve been shown that I am wrong. Democracy has spoken and told me that my choice was incorrect.

America, I earnestly hope that you have done the right thing.

Let’s talk politics, graphic design, and fortune telling for a bit.

Today, something remarkable happened. QuarkXPress, the industry standard page layout program (although InDesign, Adobe’s underdog application, rocks my world. It should rock yours too.), released an updater to their flawed program. QuarkXPress 6.1 became 6.5. Do you care? I didn’t think I did either until… well, let me back up for a moment…

One of my major frustrations with QuarkXPress 6.1 is its refusal to meet the needs of its users. Any piece of software will only succeed if it does, without difficulty, what its users require. Quark is known for its stubborness. Quark was also one of the last major applications to become OS X compatible (Adobe’s InDesign was among the first).

The design application hadn’t really changed all that much from version 3 either. Sure, it’s shiny and wrapped in nice little OS X skin now, but it’s the same buggy piece of software from 10 years ago.

My biggest complaint however, is printing from Quark. QuarkXPress creates layouts for print. That’s what it does. That’s what it was built for. The one thing that it should be able to do flawlessly, is print… Firstly, Quark could not print to a non-postscript printer until very recently. This means that most inkjet, bubblejet, and non-laser desktop printers where incompatible with the most widely used graphic design application. That’s moronic. Secondly, QuarkXpress has never been able to print to my workplace’s postscript level 2 laser printers. There’s no explanation or reason. I’ve struggled to find a one… but none exist. Yet many other users were experiencing similar frustrations. Stubborn stubborn stubborn!

Back to the story:

When today’s 6.5 release was announced, I was anything but excited. “It will most likely just add more problems,” my coworkers and I discussed. As I was installing the updater, I made the following statement (by the way, I’m a realist… or pessimist… depending on your definition of those terms.), “If I can print successfully from the updated version of QuarkXPress, John Kerry will win the presidential election.” My coworkers laughed with/at me. We all knew that the chances of a QuarkXPress updater solving a long term and well documented problem was as likely as… well, John Kerry being elected to the White House. A.K.A. not very likely. Not very likely at all. No chance in hell. But, being a good sport, I sent something to print… something challenging too. It had lots of photos and complicated font layering. If Quark was going to fail, I wanted it to fail hard. I wanted to say, “Stupid Quark” and “We’re all doomed” simultaneously. Conversely, If Quark was going to succeed, I wanted it to be glorious. I wanted to be able to proclaim, “Quark isn’t broken anymore!” and simultaneously “America isn’t broken anymore!”

So, I pushed “print.”

And I watched as the binary data flowed to the rip station.

And then I heard a beep. The triumphant beep of a potential victory. The beep that signifies that something is about to print.

Lo and behold, in the paper tray mere moments later, were two sheets of tabloid size paper. I held the pieces of paper in my hands. I looked at the monitor. QuarkXpress was the foremost application. The document that I had just sent to print was still visible on the display. I looked at the papers in my hands. The printed image was the same as the display. Quark had done it. Quark had printed. “I printed from Quark,” I whispered. My coworkers looked up. “I printed from Quark.” I said confidently. “I printed from Quark!” I exclaimed. “John Kerry is going to win the 2004 Presidential Election!” I shouted, as I crumpled up the QuarkXPress printouts into a ball and spiked it onto the floor as if I had just made the winning touchdown of the super bowl. And then I did a dance. And then my coworkers asked me to stop dancing.

I don’t really believe in things like the Ouija board, tarot cards, palm reading, or any other fortune telling device (don’t get me wrong, I love all of those things. I just don’t really believe in them). But this… this is different. This, I would have never expected in a million years. Quark fixed a huge problem. On election day. And now I’m confident that the American people will fix a huge problem. Today, November 2, 2004. Go America, go!

I take a lot of things for granted. I have a good job, a great apartment, an incredibly supportive family, a car, enough extra money to purchase coffee every morning, etc… the list goes on and on.

Sometimes however, I feel that I have to take certain things in life for granted. Otherwise, there would be no time left to enjoy the things that I have. This weekend (such an amazing few days!) opened my eyes to something so huge in my life that I am constantly taking for granted… something so vastly important and utterly necessary for happiness. Something that I do not want to take for granted any longer: My friends. These are the people that are there for me when I need them, the people that I can laugh uncontrollably with, the people that I can bounce ideas off of, the people that will honestly tell me when I’m full of shit, the people that accept me for who I am… I love my friends, and I don’t tell them often enough.

If any of you guys are reading this (“you guys” includes my long time friends, my new friends, my housemates (housemate alumni too), friends that I haven’t seen in a long time, oh… you all know who you are), I just want to let you know that every single one of you rocks (in your own special way)! Thank you for being a part of my life.

(Who knew I had it in me? Who knew I could be so sappy? Well, fear not. I’m sure I’ll post something later in the day that really shines. Maybe something about rogue taxidermy. Perhaps a post concerning steam-punk mecha-wars. Who knows? I may even post about high-tech fashion.)

I wish that I had a kid. I wish that I had a kid so that I could dress them up. I wish that I had a kid so that I could dress them up to make a political statement. I wish that I had a kid so that I could dress them up to make a political statement and have them mow my lawn. I wish that I had a lawn.

The point is, these costumes are pretty funny and well thought out. And while my costume is more sad than funny really (and by sad I actually mean pathetic), I feel obligated to bring some light to the costumes that are a bit more meaningful.

I’m collecting opinions on my Halloween costume idea. I think it’s brilliant! Ok… I’ll be honest. It’s pretty lame. Most of my friends (and colleagues) that I’ve mentioned the costume idea to, have simply rolled their eyes, mumbled something like “yeah… that seems about the right type of costume for this loser,” and either walked away or changed the subject. I love my friends. They’re really supportive.

Here is the costume idea: I have an old and broken (and bright yellow) electric guitar. It’s a fake strat. The guitar is by no means something to be proud of. Anyway, the idea is that I will paint blood and mortal wounds all over the guitar. Maybe even dislodge the neck from the body. Halloween night, I will wear the guitar proudly on my back, in true rock fashion. People will ask, “Sam, what the bloodclot are you dressed up as?” To which I will reply, “An axe murderer… duh!” Get it? Guitars are sometimes called axes? I’ve got a murdered guitar strapped to my back. So, I’m an axe murderer.

Ok, fine. So I’m not going to win any Costume of the Year awards… not even honorable mention. But, at least it’s punny. Oh my god. I’m so sorry. That just slipped out.

Any thoughts? Any costume ideas of your own?

Why is it that my childhood memories of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” are way cooler than the actual film? Why is it that I remember some giant Pumpkin Lord levitating above Linus and Sally, showering them with stones and rancid pumpkin innards? Why is it that I remember Linus and Sally fleeing in terror as the menacing Pumpkin Lord chases them through the streets of Peanutsville (or wherever the Peanuts are from), shouting profanity and threatening to haunt their dreams? Oh… it must be because that’s what I wish happened.

Here is my modified plot summary for “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”

Renamed: It’s the Great Pumpkin’s Reign of Terror, Charlie Brown

Linus convinces the Peanuts gang to perform an ancient pagan ritual know as The Harvest Summoning. Reluctant at first, the gang finally agrees when Linus promises them the resurrection of the Great Pumpkin, who will present them with mounds and mounds of sweet 1960’s style candy in thanks for awakening him from his long slumber. In full black hooded satanic garb, the Peanuts gang tromp into the middle of the local pumpkin patch. A small clearing has been made where a pentagram, candles, and a sacrificial alter stand ready. The children stand in a circle around the pentagram, hand in hand, chanting. Linus, the High Pumpkin Priest, stands at the alter. A plump, juicy pumpkin shines in moonlight beneath him… the pick of the litter. A frightening array of pumpkin carving equipment sits next to the pumpkin. Linus hefts a large knife above his head and begins. “The time has come, O’ Pumpkin Lord! Your awakening is near! From this moment ’til the end of eternity, the Great Pumpkin shall rule the earth. A time of candy filled prosperity is upon us. Rise, Pumpkin Lord! Rise and deliver us from this sugarless world. Show us the righteous path to tooth decay that only the Great Pumpkin’s candy reign can bring!” And with that, Linus plunges the knife into pumpkin’s thick walls. A bolt of lightning crashes down as the pumpkin begins to carve itself. The children gasp in horror. A face carves out of the pumpkin and rises above the children. Linus, the first of the Peanuts Gang to muster enough courage to speak, kneals before the Great Pumpkin, and says, “O’ Great Pumpkin, we have awakened you from your slumber in our greatest time of need. We, the children of Peanutsville, are in dire need of your sweet candy bounty. Bestow upon us the sugary delights that we’ve craved for so long.” The Great Pumpkin, seemingly indifferent to the pleas for candy, simply turns to look at the children. Linus and the gang wait with open arms and open mouths for delivery of the promised candy. The Great Pumpkin opens his mouth, as if to speak, but instead vomits an acidic orange pulpy pumpkin goo all over the children. Linus and the gang scream in agony as their flesh is melted off their bones, leaving nothing but orange stained skeletons. The Great Pumpkin pauses for a moment, rolls his floating pumpkin head back and laughs. The screen fades to black, but before the Pumpkin lord disappears to torment the world for the rest of eternity, the Great Pumpkin sends a wink our way… letting us know that he will be back for us.

The credits roll and we sit back in our living room chairs… satisfied. “Ahhh, another Halloween came and went. But this time, not without a demonic summoning and acidic pumpkin vomit.”

Thank you, Great Pumpkin… wherever you are.