Month: January 2006

Oh… I guess I should mention that I’m traveling to Seattle. That might make the last few posts (and the ones that will inevitably follow) a bit more comprehensible. While I’m here, I should also mention that during my travels, the times that posts are actually written, and the time I will actually be able to post them, will be very different. And I always seem to schedule my travels for the most inconvenient times of the year… what with the MacWorld keynote happening tomorrow!!!

It’s interesting that commercial airplanes supply so much safety stuff for survival in water. “Your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.” “A life vest can be found under your seat.” “In the event of an emergency, this door explodes into a really fun looking slide! But wait, there’s more. The slide detaches and can be used as a life raft!” Kinda makes you hope for a catastrophe, doesn’t it? I mean, those escape slides look more fun than your average carnival ride… and just about as safe too.

I think that I’d trade in all of that superfluous water survival crunk for a measly parachute. Do planes really crash in water that often… more so than on land? If a plane bursts into flames thousands of feet in the air and is spiraling towards the earth’s surface, heading for an inevitably violent end, what’re the chances of landing safely… regardless of whether the plane lands on water or land? I mean really… gimme a parachute and I’ll be on my way, thank you very much.

These are the things I think about while flying. I also think about how much I have to pee, and the amount of effort it’s going to require to rouse the slumbering elderly couple barricading me into my window seat… against the metal walls of this parachute-less, airborne, behemoth of a deathtrap. Gosh… I love flying!

After all the touching and, dare I say, the violation that I was just forced to endure, I deserve this goddamn beer. And you know what? I deserve the goddamn beer that’s going to come after this one too. Thank Buddha for the burgeoning airport bar scene. (yes… Buddha)

I’ve blogged about my inclusion on the National Do Not Fly list before. I’ve told the blogosphere about how I’m constantly forced to strip for the amusement of airport security. Never, however, has the process been this… umm, thorough.

Anyway, I have to go clean myself now… with sandpaper… and maybe a blowtorch if I can find one. Whatever, I’ll use a creme brulee torch. I Don’t care. So unclean… so unclean…

Typically, I’m not one to participate in the New Years Resolution tradition… That’s not to say that I consider myself perfect, without flaw, or the apogee of human evolution. Ha! Far from it! It’s more like I’m lazy. No, not lazy, let’s go with busy. Too busy to modify my flow. This year, however, I will be participating. I will be resolving to add something to my pre-exisiting repertoire.

I resolve to be an active participant in the Instant Messaging community.

Yep… Instant Messaging, for some reason, is an online communication medium that I am simply not comfortable with. I just don’t use it. It’s an odd discrepancy, because I consider myself to be a very connected individual.

The rational behind my election to participate in the Instant Messaging community is not really of any practical purpose. Sure, I’d like to be more connected to the people I care about… but that’s not the direct impetus. My immersion in this culture will be more of the academic sort. I want to understand the population’s fascination with Instant Messaging, I want to learn the cryptic lingo (the first time someone “brb”ed me, I thought they were having some kind of online gas attack), and I’m always interested in adding one more way to procrastinate to my current repertoire. It’s really all about finding new ways to get less work done.

In preparation for this scheduled full-frontal assault on Instant Messaging culture, I’ve spent the last week collecting the screen names of various coworkers and friends, along with certain tips, tricks, IM clients, and the occasional good-hearted piece of advice (apparently, it’s very important to the slickness of one’s online persona to maintain a chic, constantly revolving, collection of clever Away Messages. A good Away Message, according to my IM mentors, should be able to impart the following, without actually saying any of the following: Even though I’m away from my computer (or quite possibly just ignoring you) right now, I still want you to know how hella cool I am. Just take a gander at this movie quote/lyric snippet/fascinating URL that I’ve provided. See, I’m cool, hip, and in-the-know. Let’s drink beer together!).

So now, in what’s sure to be a colossal mistake in retrospect, here is my AIM screen name: robotsrgr8

I showed you mine, now it’s your turn to show me yours.

Today, while listening to something new, I actually had to turn the bass down.

Pathetic, I know. My only consolation is that it’ll all be over soon. It can’t be long now… till they turn me into Soylent Green. And then finally, after taking so much from the community, I’ll be able to give something back.

“Soon they’ll be breeding us like cattle! You’ve got to warn everyone and tell them! Soylent green is made of people! You’ve got to tell them! Soylent green is people!”