The Correct Way To Paint a Bicycle Frame

Sambot.com’s Definitive Guide To Bicycle Frame Painting
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Step 1. Always paint inside. This allows for quicker access to beer… which as it turns out, you won’t even need seeing as the paint fumes do a bang up job of killing those useless brain cells anyway. Ventilation shmentilation.

Step 2. Don’t paint in your room. Paint in a common area… like the living room. Why should you be the only one inconvenienced?

Step 3. Never tell the landlord… and if possible, try to avoid telling the housemates. If the housemates do catch wind of your little project, try to confuse them and change the subject:

Housemates: Sam, why is there a bicycle shaped outline of orange spray paint on the living room floor?
Sam: Yo’ mamma’s a bicycle shaped outline of orange spray paint on the living room floor.
Housemates: That’s not an answer.
Sam: Neither is your mom… and she doesn’t even pay rent!
Housemates: What?
Sam: Exactly. Now, what’s for dinner?

Step 4. Use high adhesive duct tape to adhere large sheets of brown paper to the walls and furniture. Make sure the paper blocks all available exits. As an added bonus, you’ll find that when you remove the duct tape, it will leave behind a gooey residue that will never come off. This will be a constant reminder of a job well done.

Step 5. Take apart the bike and tape up all the important blah blah blah…

Step 6. Time to paint the frame! Hopefully, by this point you’ve picked out an obnoxious color (like “pumpkin orange”). Well, what are you waiting for? Grab that can of spray paint and start spraying! Tip: Don’t waste time shaking up the paint. That will only provide a boring uniform coating. You want an uneven gloopy mess on your frame… that way, the color is more like “pumpkin gut orange.”

At this point, your feet are most likely covered in paint and filth (did I mention that you should always paint barefoot?). Instead of tracking paint through the house (your housemates might be able to point the blame at you if they match up the footprints on the carpet with your feet), stick paper towels to the bottoms of your feet. Now you’re evidence-free and one of the cool kids. Yea!

Step 7. Sit/fall down. Are the fumes getting to you? Keep those windows closed. You don’t want any of the paint odor to escape and alert the landlord.

Step 8. Make sure you handle the frame while the paint is still wet. Flip the bike over to paint the other side. Wipe hands on carpet or walls, whichever is closer.

Step 9. Repeat steps 6 through 8 until there is no paint left.

Step 10. Reassemble bike.

Step 11. Ride into sunset.

Step 12. Ignore the hurtful ridicule from everyone who sees you riding a “pumpkin gut orange” monstrosity.

…and that’s all there is to it! Good luck!